Jerks by Patrick Hanifin (Reproduced without permission from the Humor Archives)

Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found
the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly
the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided
to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jerk!" and hung
up.

Next to his phone number I wrote the word "Jerk," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of
weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and then
I'd yell, "You're a jerk!" It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me,
I would have to stop calling the jerk. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then
heard his voice, "Hello."

I made up a name. "Hi. This is Herman with the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if
you're familiar with our caller ID program?"

He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because
you're a jerk!"

And the reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever
anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 555-4822.

The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think
she was ever going to leave. Finally her car began to move and she started to very slowly back
out of the stall. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I
thought, she's finally leaving.

All of a sudden this black camaro come flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and
pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I
was here first!" The guy climbed out of his camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the
mall as if he didn't even hear me.

I thought to myself, this guy's a jerk, there's sure a lot of jerks in this world. I noticed he
had a For Sale sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for
another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after
calling 555-4822 and yelling, "You're a jerk!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have
his number on speed dial). I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black camaro lying on
my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.

After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello."
I said, "Is this the man with the black camaro for sale?"
"Yes it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front.
I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes."
"Don, you're a jerk!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number
to my speed dialer.

For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jerks to
call. Then after several months of calling the jerks and hanging up on them, the whole thing
started to seem like an obligation. It just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.

I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution.
First, I had my phone dial Jerk #1.
A man answered nicely saying, "Hello."
I yelled "You're a jerk!" But I didn't hang up.
The jerk said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah.."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
"Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jerk!" and I hung up.

Then I called Jerk #2.
He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, Jerk!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your butt."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jerk!" And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them a big gang fight was going down at
1802 West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch
the whole thing.

I turned onto 34th Street and parked my car under the shade of a tree half a block from Jerk
#2's house. There were two guys fighting out front. Suddenly there were about 12 police cars and
a helicopter. The police wrestled the two men to the ground and took them away.

A couple of months go by and I get a call for jury duty. I was picked to be on a trial of two
guys charged with disorderly conduct. As luck would have it, it happened to be the same two
guys. I might have influenced the jury, because when they announced the verdict, they said, "We
the jury find the defendants to be guilty, and a couple of jerks!"