Posted by aNOm on February 24, 1998 at 18:14:52:
The Ten Commandments 1. Thou shall not squeeze too hard on the opposite sexes genetalia 2. Thou shall not ask for a kiss, just give one or take one 3. Thou shall kiss at every given opportunity 4. If thou kissed someone, and was slapped, thou shalt not kiss her again. 5. Thou shall never bite when in the act of french kissing 6. Thou shall not pay for sexual intercourse 7. Thou shall not date members of state or Musicians 8. Thou shall not have sexual intercourse in public convieniences. 9. thou should never turn down free sexual intercourse 10. Procreate at will Religions of the world Taoism: Shit happens Confucianism: Confucius say, shit happens Hinduism: This shit has happened before Buddhism: Shit happens, yet shit does not happen Islam: Shit happens, is Allah wills Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to me? Protestantism: Let shit happen to other people Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it Jehovah's witnesses: Let us in and we'll explain why shit happens Christian science: Shit only appears to happen Scientology: Excrement occurs Hare Krishna: Shit happens shit happens, happens happens, shit shit New Age: For $300 I can help you achieve shit happens awareness Agnosticism: What is this shit? Atheism: I don't believe this shit Oral Roberts: Send me your money, or some serious shit will happen Jimmy Swaggart: I like to watch shit happening Robert Fulgham: My shit was on fire when it happened Rastafarianism: Lets smoke this shit Top 10 Rejections given by Women 10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that guy who had a crush on me during high school and got arrested for stalking me.) 9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my dad.) 8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.) 7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.) 6. I've got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's). 5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.) 4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.) 3. I'm concentrating on my A-Levels. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as school is better than dating you.) 2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.) ...and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it really means) 1. Let's be just friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing.) And to finish of with.... Q: Whats the worst rejection? A: When your hand falls asleep when you are masturbating. Safe Sex A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help? "Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke." She looks through the screen door and sees two young men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay," she says. After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to think about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?" They say, "Huh?" She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long. Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch,rocking back and forth. Jed says, "Luke?" Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?" Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?" "Yeah," says Luke, "I remember." "Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed. "Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not." "Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off." Things you would Never Know without The Movies During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman, but only to waist level on the man lying beside her. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long. The Chief of Police is always black. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill -- just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare. Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange >noises in their most revealing underwear. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames. The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective -- or give him 48 hours to finish the job. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts -- your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paperclip in seconds -- unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside. An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment. MANAGERS When lower management get together on a weekend they talk about When middle management are together, they talk about tennis. When top management meet, they discuss golf. The obvious conclusion? The higher up you are in management, the Roger's all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear hunting in the The black bear says "You've got 2 choices. One, I maul you to death Roger heads out on another trip to the Yukon and he finds the black bear Sure enough, he heads back to the Yukon and finds the grizzly and shoots Bumper Stickers and One-liners Real Women Software Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 6.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 As a consequence system performance seems to diminish with each passing day. - An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to have greater use. I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, The uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. ***** BUG WARNING **** Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before executing a self - uninstallation. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient system resources. *** BUG WORK-AROUNDS *** To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet. Male Point of View There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, Other Male Views A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!" I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! It was all gone!" Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. How many men does it take to open a beer? Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful! I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months -- I don't like to interrupt her. A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle. If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie? A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. VIRUS WARNING!!! VIRUS WARNING!!! VIRUS WARNING!!! VIRUS Dear Internet user, It seems that the destructive minds who like to invent computer viruses have struck again. A new virus, popularly known as INTERNET EXPLORER 4.0, has been propogating the Net for several weeks now. MILLIONS of computers have been infected by this insidious virus (mostly PCs, and a few Macintoshes INTERNET EXPLORER 4.0 is known to have the following horrible effects on infected computers:
(and what they really mean)
football.
smaller your balls are!
Grin & Bear it.
Yukon. The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it
with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns
around to see a big black bear.
or Two, we have sex." Roger bends over for the bear. He's sore for 2
days, but he recovers and vows revenge.
and kills him. At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder. A huge
grizzly is standing right behind him. The grizzly says, "That was a big
mistake. You've got 2 choices, "Either I maul you to death or we have
sex." Roger bends over. He survives, but he's really hurting and takes
quite a bit of time to recover, and, he's outraged.
him at point blank range. There's a tap on his shoulder. He turns
around to find an enormous polar bear, and the polar bear says "You
don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
I love cats... they taste just like chicken.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming in
terror like the passengers in his car.
Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a
vegetarian.
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the
IRS.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it!
Okay, who stopped payment on my reality check?
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students!
Forget About World Peace... Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He/She who laughs last thinks slowest.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
i souport publik edekasion
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'...till you can find a
big enough rock.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic
particles.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put It In Reverse?
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder: how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Pardon my driving. I'm reloading.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so
popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0 automatically installs undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release.
Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming wife 2.0: - A "Don't remind me again" button - Minimize button - An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime
without the loss of cache and other system resources.
Another annoying problem -- all versions of Girlfriend continually popup annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0
marry. So he decides to give each one $5,000.00 and see how each of them
spends it.
clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man,
"I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you
with the money because I love you so
much."
investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says,
"I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so
much."
and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts !!!
Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"
"What happened?" asked the friend.
"My wife found out..."
Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
as well.)
This virus is one of the MOST DANGEROUS yet unleashed on the computing public!
* It WASTES an incredible amount of HARD DISK SPACE, space which could * It causes the infected computer's performance to be DRASTICALLY * It surreptitiously MODIFIES the underlying operating system, causing * It, through the use of Trojan-like ALTERATIONS to the core Java * It, once installed, is VIRTUALLY IMPOSSIBLE for the average user to * It is known to create SECURITY HOLES, which can allow unknown users * It is known to cause many popular and reliable Internet browsers, * It is even known to infect NEWLY PURCHASED computers coming from * It is known to be UNDETECTABLE by most virus-checking software The good news is that the JUSTICE DEPARTMENT is currently investigating the Here's what YOU can do:
otherwise be used for productive applications
REDUCED--Pentium machines which are stricken are known to slow down
to the speed of a 486
the CORE FUNCTIONALITY of the instrument to change RADICALLY
APIs, may cause Java applets to MALFUNCTION. These effects are so
SEVERE that the designers of Java, Sun Microsystems, are taking LEGAL
ACTION against the inventors of this terrible virus
remove from the system
to DELETE or DESTROY files on your hard drive
such as NETSCAPE NAVIGATOR and NETSCAPE COMMUNICATOR, to not function
correctly
repuatable manufacturers like COMPAQ and DELL. These companies have
so far been POWERLESS to prevent this virus from being installed on
the computers they sell.
packages
rogue hackers who CONCOCTED this destructive virus. They have been traced to
a Seattle suburb, and may face fines of ONE MILLION DOLLARS PER DAY for the
pernicious manner in which this virus is being distributed. The bad news is
that millions of computers have ALREADY BEEN INFECTED. The inventors of
this virus even have the gall to gleefully BOAST about this terrible fact on
their web site!
1) If you see a website with the "Internet Explorer" logo, do **NOT** 2) If your computer is ALREADY INFECTED, and it's a Windows-based PC, I apologize for the URGENT TONE of this message, but only if we WORK The Soldier and the Chicken This guy gets out of the service, and the bus drops him off in a small midwestern town. He finds a place to stay and work at a farm nearby, and asks the farmer where he might find some female action. You know you are addicted to the Internet when... You kiss your girlfriend's home page. Proof that Bill Gates is the Devil: The real name of "the" Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III. > Nowadays he is known as Bill Gates (III), where "III" means the > order of third (3rd.) By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII-values and adding his (III), you get the following: > B 66 Some might ask, "How did Bill Gates get so powerful?" Coincidence? Or just the beginning of mankind's ultimate and total enslavement??? Before you decide, consider the following: M S - D O S 6.21 > 77+83+45+68+79+83+32+54+46+50+49 = 666 W I N D O W S 95 > 87+73+78+68+79+87+83+57+53+1 = 666 Coincidence? You decide... My Dog. Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog's name was Mypenis? - Mypenis ate my homework. - Oh, no! Mypenis is frothing at the mouth! - Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis. - I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash. - Mypenis doesn't come when I call it. - Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests. - I love giving Mypenis a bath. - At night, I sleep with Mypenis in my hands. - Mypenis likes it when people pet him. - Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds. - Playing with Mypenis really wears me out. - Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis? - Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active. - I think Mypenis has a mind of its own. - I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet. - Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction. - I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead. - Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady next door. - If Mypenis was a weinerdog, he would be long and hairy and hard to carry. - Mypenis loves to chase pussies in dark alleys. - Help! I can't find Mypenis! - Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking for Mypenis. - Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes. - Sorry to be driving so fast, officer - I have to take Mypenis to the hospital. - Oh. no! Something bit Mypenis! - Watch it or you'll step on Mypenis. - When Mypenis behaves well, he gets a bone. - Stop kicking Mypenis. - When riding in the car, Mypenis enjoys sticking his head out to be blown. - Mypenis is truly man's best friend. - Beware of Mypenis. He's carrying a disease. - People say Mypenis looks cute lying down, but even better when standing at attention. - Mypenis: the crotch-sniffer. - There's nothing like a well-trained bitch for Mypenis. - I've trained Mypenis to jump through hoops. - Mypenis always searches for an open hand under the dinner table. - Excuse me - I need a muzzle for Mypenis. - Sorry I'm late, but Mypenis kept me up howling all night... Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog's name was Mypenis? - Mypenis ate my homework. - Oh, no! Mypenis is frothing at the mouth! - Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis. - I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash. - Mypenis doesn't come when I call it. - Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests. - I love giving Mypenis a bath. - At night, I sleep with Mypenis in my hands. - Mypenis likes it when people pet him. - Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds. - Playing with Mypenis reall
click on the logo. This can cause this virus to be DOWNLOADED and
INSTALLED on your system!
call the technical support hotline at Microsoft (the company which
wrote Windows), and ask them for instructions on how to DISABLE and
REMOVE this virus. They should have instructions to do so.
TOGETHER
can the spread of the dreaded INTERNET EXPLORER 4.0 virus be slowed or
stopped.
---------------------------------------------------
So, the farmer tells him about a whorehouse not far from the farm. The soldier sets out for a romp in the hay. When he arrives at the whorehouse, he asks the madame for a lady,
to which she replies, "I'm sorry, but all the ladies are quaranteened for a few days."
Flabbergasted, the soldier says, "I can't believe that! I haven't had any booty in a long time!"
The madame says, "well, we do have a substitute, and it's $20. Take it or leave it."
He's so desparate he agrees, and she takes his money and sends him down a set of stairs into a
small room with nothing in it but a chicken. He says to himself "I can't screw a chicken!"
The more he thinks about it, he figures "what the heck?"
So, he climbs on the chicken and romps on it, and after he's finished, he leaves. A couple of
days later, he comes back and the girls are still quaranteened, so he goes back in with the
chicken and gets on it again, enjoying it even more. He does this several times, until one day
when he comes in, and the madame tells him, "I'm sorry, but the chicken died."
"It died? Now what am I supposed to do?"
The madame tells him " Go up those stairs, and you'll be taken care of."
He goes up the stairs and there's a bunch of guys pressed up against this big window
screaming and hollering, and 2 women are getting after it on the other side of the glass. He
muscles his way in, and they're all going crazy as they watch. He elbows the guy beside him and
says, "Isn't this great?" The guy says, "You should have been here last week! They had some guy down there screwing a
chicken!"
Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.
And even your night dreams are in HTML.
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au
Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW
site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.
You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.
You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
All of your friends have an @ in their names.
When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them
are already highlighted in purple.
Your dog has its own home page.
You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.
You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
You get a tatoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 2.01or higher."
You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP...because you never log off.
The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.
You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
> I 73
> L 76
> L 76
> G 71
> A 65
> T 84
> E 69
> S 83
> + 3
> ---------
> 666 !!
My Dog.
