SHIT HAPPENS (be warned folks! this is very long)
Posted by The Ugly Guy on February 17, 1998 at 05:59:12:
SHIT HAPPENS in various world religions Hare Krishna: Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding. Confucianism: Confucious say, "Shit happens". Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit. Zen: What is the sound of shit happening? 7th Day Adventism: Hinduism: I've seen this shit happening before. Protestantism: If shit happens, it happens to someone else. Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough. Episcopalianism: Lutheranism: Shit happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's OK. Anglicanism: It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans. Charismatic Catholicism: Judaism: Why does shit always happen to US? Reform Judaism: Got any laxatives? Islam: If this shit happens, it is the will of Allah. Nation of Islam: New Age: That's not shit, it's feldspar. Wicca: If shit happened once, it will happen twice more. Jehovah's Witnesses: Secular Humanism: Darwinism: Survival of the shittiest. Creationism: ... And the Lord said "Let there be shit" ... and there Christian Science: Atheism: I don't believe this shit! Religion from an Atheist's point of view: Agnosticism: It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit! Mormonism:If shit happens, shun it. Energizer Bunny: Baptist: You are shitting all wrong, and you'll be punished for it. Southern Baptist: Iraqi Baathist: Oh shit! Voodoo: Shit doesn't just happen -- somebody dumped it on you. Televangelism: Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stop Unitarianism:What is this Shit? Orthodox: St. Sergius found his faith in deep shit. Greek Orthodox: Shit happens, usually in threes. EST: I am at cause that shit will not happen. Fundamentalism: There's no shit in the Bible. Twelve Step: Shit happens one day at a time. Amish: Shit is good for the soil. Native Americans: Shintoism: You inherit the shit of your ancestors. Moonies: Only happy shit really happens. Stoicism: This shit happening is good for me. Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half the time. Bahaism: Why do you keep shitting on us? Mysticism: This is really weird shit. Paganism: Shit happens for a variety of reasons. Rajhneesh: Give us your shit and put on this orange shit. Rosicrucianism: What is this AMORC shit? Satanism: We hope bad shit happens to all of you. Witchcraft: Mix this shit together and it will happen! Scientology: All this happens to be shit. Shamanism: Whoaa...Holy Shit! Sikhism: Leave our shit alone. Moilanenism: Smells like shit of finnish fish. Sureshism: You are all pieces of shit. Branch Davidianism: Divorcism: She's full of shit! Creation Science: Discordianism: Shit makes the flowers grow and that's beautiful. Kibology: What's shit, and where can I get some? Spam: Spam happens. SubGenius: Shit has happened. For $20 "BoB" will sell you a way to Dianetics: "Why does shit happen?" (p. 157) Yuppie Shit: It's my shit! All mine! Isn't it beautiful? An Employer: Shit happens, and rolls down hill. An Employee: I've done my shit, so can I take the day off? Environmentalism: Political Correctness: Heisenbergism: Shit happened, we just don't know where or how much. Quantum Shittydynamics: Einsteinism: God does not play shit with the universe. Reaction to Seeing your Mother-in-law: Washington: I cannot tell a lie--shit happened. Lincoln: Four score and seven shits ago... Nixon: Shit didn't happen, and if it did I din't know anything Reagan: Well, I do believe that shit happened. I was just taking a nap. Quayle: Whye doe peepl treate mee lik shitte? Clinton: I didn't inhale this shit. Bush: Read my lips: no more shit! Baker: Why does Bush always dump all the shit on me? Saddam: The mother of all shit just happened to us, but at least Perot: I'm sorry if I dropped you guys in this piece of shit. McCarthyism: Are you now, or have you ever been, shit? Martin Luther King: Julius Caesar: I came, I saw, I shitted. (Veni, Vidi, Shitty) Kennedy: Ask not what your country's shit can do for you, but John Paul Jones: James Tiberius Kirk: Shirley MacClaine: Neil Armstrong: One small shit for a man... One giant heap for mankind. Shakespeare: To shit or Not to shit, that is the question. Computer Science: UNIX: Shit dumped. VAX/VMS: No Privilege for attempted shit. Macintosh: (Enough said) IBM/DOS: It's shit, but it's compatible. Windows: The same shit as DOS, only GUIer... Cray: If this code weren't such a piece of shit, they wouldn't NEED C: It(s)+=shit; but it(s)==efficient; Fortran: IT(S) SHIT, BUT I DON(T) KNOW ANY BETTER. Cobol: IT(S) SHIT. BUT IT(S) JOB SECURITY. BASIC: 10 IT IS SHIT Communism: It's everybody's shit. Marxism: The rich shit exploits the poor shit, but deep down all shit Socialism: The same shit happens to everyone. Capitalism: Shit happens, and it'll cost you! Americanism: Who gives a shit? Materialism: Whoever dies with the most shit wins. Cannibalism: Don't eat the shit. Vegetarianism: If it happens to shit, don't eat it. Hedonism: There's nothing quite like a good shit. Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit is. Realism: I think I need to take a shit. Denialism: What shit? Purism: If shit has to happen, let ONLY shit happen. Procrastinationism: Avoidanceism: With all this happening, I think I'll go shit. Repressionism: I'll hold this shit in forever. Fatalism: Oh shit, it's going to happen! Surrealism: Fish. Nihilism: Let's blow this shit up! Fetishism: I love it when shit happens. Masochism: Do shit to ME. Sadism: I will shit on you! Dyslexia: Tihs happens. =============================================================================== Thales: Earth, Air, Fire, and Shit Epicurus: If shit happens, enjoy it. Socrates: What is shit? Why is shit? Aristotle: The essence of shittyness... Archimedes: Hmmm... why doesn't this shit float? Descartes: I think, so why am I in this shit? Leibniz (as interpreted by Voltaire): Thoreau: I wanted to live deliberately ... to suck all the shit out Sartre: Shit is meaningless! Freudianism: Shit is a phallic symbol. =============================================================================== Mathematician: Shit happening is just a special case... Statistician: There is an 83.7% chance that shit will happen. Maybe. Physicist (Theoretical): Physicist (Experimental): Engineer: I hope this shit holds together. Chemist: I hope this shit doesn't blow up. Biologist: Is this shit alive? Botanist: What this daisy needs is some fresh shit. Economist: I hope no one figures out that I don't really understand Beurocrat: I'm sorry, but we can't make this shit happen until you fill CEO: (1980's) I've got all the shit I want. Lawyer: For a sufficient fee, I can get you out of ANY shit. Doctor: Take two shits and call me in the morning. Acupuncturist: Hold still or it will hurt like shit. Surgeon: Shit, where's this organ supposed to go? Psychologist: Shit is in your mind. Programmer: It's shit, but at least it compiles. Social Scientist: Historian: The same shit happens again and again. Politician: It's shit, but it'll get me elected. Waitress: You want fries with that shit? Teacher: Repeat after me: one shit + one shit =? Dean: Let's see how much shit the faculty'll take. Accountant: Why doesn't this shit add up? Linguist: What I'm doing is a bunch of feces tauri. Quality Control Inspector: IRS Auditor: I'll make 'em squirm for putting this shit on their tax forms. Farmer: I get subsidies for my shit. Union leader: Give us more shit or we'll strike. Mafia boss: Rub the little shits out. NYC Cab Driver: Damn, looks like I hit that shit... Mechanic: Shit...this will cost a lot, mister. Chef: It needs some more of this green shit. Musician: This shit is out of tune. Artist: If Jesse Helms likes it, it is shit. Poet: My childhood was shit, let me share. Developer: Shit happens on a daily basis, that's why we have maintainance =============================================================================== Dog: All I do is eat, sleep and shit. Cat: Why do I have to shit in this smelly pan? Fish: All I do is eat, swim and shit. Snake: If I got out of this cage, you'd shit. THE LAWS OF THERMODYNAMICS for Sanitation Engineers 0th: There is shit. KEEP SHOVELING!!
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